I haven’t written any personal reflections in the past 5 years. I used to write in a diary; I was an emotional writer so I only wrote when I felt strongly about something. It’s not that I get any less emotional these days, but I rely a lot more on the people around me to talk to and process things together with me, and so I haven’t had to use this medium (haha geddit geddit?).
The only thing about not writing things down is that the same topics and issues could crop up in conversations with little room for in(tro)spection, and I end up only venting to ease the emotional buildup without actually giving thought to the root of it all. Even some of the best conversations that help me process events are lost to memory, and given how 2020 has been the year, I thought it best to write something about it so there’s something more substantial to keep other than social-media-friendly photos and videos.
To help me keep this more concise, I shall be using the 7 prompts listed on limxjoel’s post.
List down 3 highlights.
The first spot is a tie between work and dance. Somehow in the midst of a pandemic and lockdown, I managed to launch an online museum game for children despite having *no* experience in project management, design or stakeholder management. It still blows my mind when I think about I pulled it off and I still shudder at some of the moments where I didn’t think I’d make it.
I’ve placed dance second although it was just as major a change, although perhaps less intense in effect on the body and mind. I made way more time to dance this year, first alone, and then with friends that I always wanted to dance more with but could never find the time to until this year provided that opportunity. In this case there wasn’t 1 single moment to highlight, but some results of this can be seen on my little dance account.
The third highlight I would say is my relationship with YH. We were supposed to marry this year, but our date was just 4 days shy of the end of Circuit Breaker. So we made our peace with the cancellation and celebrated our date anniversary virtually. Thankfully we didn’t plan much for it, but it still sucked. We took it in our stride anyways, and I was touched by the outpouring of love and support given by the people around us. We also moved into a rented place on New Year’s itself, earning us yet another badge in adulthood lol. Through all of it and more, we stuck together and supported each other. If that testament to our relationship is not a highlight of 2020, I don’t know what else is ❤
List down 3 challenges you faced.
Top of my list is most definitely the mix of procrastination and anxiety. The lockdown exacerbated that loop I caught myself in on multiple occasions: I have x things to do tomorrow, I have to do x things by end of this week or I won’t have time next week to look at it, I have to do x things because new things might come next week and I’ll never get anything done. And then the oh no, oh no, oh no time is running out. Worse still, that despite the accomplishments I have, I feel that I have not delivered my best.
Not being able to provide the support for the people I love and care about. Also, not knowing how to provide the support in a way that would be most helpful to them. Knowing someone else is hurting or stressing out or grieving and knowing that the best thing for them is space and time is like having an itch on a phantom body part.
As can be seen from above, I struggled and still struggle to express myself fully, especially in writing. Speaking comes to me quite intuitively especially in dialogues because I’m sort of always responding to someone, but writing always feels like the monologue that nobody asked for, and hence irrelevant. I’m still trying to move away from that to view writing as a means of self-expression and I hope this post reminds my future self that an audience isn’t always needed for me.
Note down the ways you have grown.
Sideways, I’d say, which isn’t untrue. But that aside, changes to the body. I grew stronger for a little bit during lockdown (and rediscovered push-ups), before promptly lapsing back into a lazier version of myself. There is a fine line between resting as part of self-care and just being petulant about not wanting to exercise so that I remain comfortably in bed or bingeing shows. But I also have stronger calves and the balls of my feet from dancing. I have grown to love and cherish my body and create a pace for myself.
I’ve definitely grown to feel more. It took a pandemic to pause life a little so that I had the time and space to develop deeper connections with some really good people, and to mend/tend to (if only a little) others that I neglected. I realised that as a result of these deeper relationships, I empathise more deeply in general, and I feel way more human than anytime before. It has also made me a lot more emotional than before (so I’m not too sure that it’s something I want very much), but it’s definitely growth.
In tandem with that I’ve also grown in terms of identifying my emotional state and learning to sit through it on my own. I don’t think I was able to do that very easily previously and my body would just shut down when I felt distressed. I also generally hate breaking down in front of people especially when I have yet to figure out what is triggering my state of distress, because then all that effort on comforting is somewhat wasted when I only temporarily feel better but the problem persists. Now I let things wash over (or set aside the time to emote) alone and process things on my own accord, and that has most definitely led to growth on my own terms.
Identify the meaningful relationships you created or deepened.
Family, solo jazz saturday family, shag family, sad head blues sisters, and other dancers, my work family (whom I always know got my back). Rah, Boey, Crystalyn.
Write down the things that you weren’t able to accomplish.
Making a habit of things and sticking to routines I set for myself. I would try yoga daily for a few weeks with the Nike Training app before stopping one night and not picking it up again. I would be on an 80-day streak on Duolingo learning Bahasa before stopping one day and not picking it up again for a bit. I can’t guarantee that I’ll overcome this bad habit of mine within 2021 but I promise to work on it.
I couldn’t conceptualise a model for dancing that I wanted to follow, in the sense that I still couldn’t fix a budgetary ratio for the amount of time I wanted to spend on dancing in a timeframe. I’m not sure I’ll have a clearer idea even by 2021 but I know I have people to rely on and discuss with before committing myself to a direction. It’s part of a larger symptom of my thinking where I generally prefer to know as much as I can about something before deciding how I feel about it.
Thinking strategically. Again, I think this is part of a larger, more long-term habit of mine where I get so caught up in the details of things, especially processes, that I compromise on the why’s and what for’s along the way. Half of me understands that I’m really just starting out and so it’s okay to forgo the big picture especially when I’ve yet to really grasp the nitty gritty required of a more excellent worker (yes, more excellent). The other half of me is usually frustrated at my lack of being professional trained for the job I’m tasked with, and that the time I spend figuring things out on my own is either not given due recognition or could have been spared if only I had acquired these skills earlier.
Name 3 things, people or experiences you are grateful for.
My boss, G who really surprised me at my appraisal session — when I was expecting a run-down of the highlights and space for improvement — instead did a check in first and took the time to encourage me. That stroke of kindness absolutely floored me and just the memory of it still makes me tear because it reminds me that my boss sees me as a person first. I will never forget this, especially as I continue to work with other people.
My dance Saturdays. They have become a favourite part of the week, so much that it anchors my schedule (I have to finish work on Friday so that I can dance full-heartedly on Saturday; I browse swing music albums on Bandcamp Fridays and work on my Spotify playlists on Saturday mornings; I don’t put in any other commitments on Saturdays etc.). The hangouts that accompany the dancing also give me some semblance of community that I am a part of, rather than just tangential to.
N, my sister. You’re the real MVP, driving your older sister around, being around, listening to my rants even when they don’t make sense, tolerating my rubbish jokes and still being a rock when you’re busy blazing that trail in your career. It was an absolute delight watching you grow in the past year, and I hope you can feel how invincible you are to me because of that growth. I love you lots and already miss you.
Summarise the year in just 3 words.
Pause, reflect, grow.
Aite, 2021, come at me.
